Today has been very productive, but VERY tedious! I've been toiling over getting this site updated for the past week it seems, and although it's been an arduous process, I've learned SO MUCH and I finally feel like I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With the last version of the site and the way it was set up, I was having to manually enter each and every update, rearranging all the pieces of each page individually each time I had a new song or video and FUCK! I really shot myself in the foot when building it the first time so I knew I would have to do an overhaul on everything-- and low and behold-- it's nearly there now. After having done a little research about CMS and how to properly incorporate it into the design, I finally have a handle on how to keep things flowing so, again, FUCK!

Anyway, it's nearing 10pm now and I have yet to eat a THING other than two squares of sharp cheddar cheese and a handful of salted cashews with my coffee + Laird creamer this morning. I plan on making myself a quick salad with banana peppers and jalapeños and cherry tomatoes and feta. Lucille ate her dinny, she had some fresh pulled rotisserie chickyyy with some canned peas and carrots and a little sprinkle of shredded cheddar cheeeeese. She loved it and I'm happy to see her eat.

She's the fucking cutest.

I have one class left that I'm taking online this semester--(even though I technically didn't need the credits to finish my Associate's)-- I went ahead and enrolled for Spanish 102 so that I could keep my financial aid for another couple of months. It's been absolutely crucial in helping us keep the lights on and keeping us both fed as best I can. Plus, taking a language class online is one of the least demanding things you can do if you've got the kind of free time that I have. It helps me to have something to focus on outside of my own bullshit, so I suppose it's been more of a blessing than a hindrance to my well-being at the moment. Anyway, I've got some quick assignments due by midnight tonight that I'll work on as I eat my salad, if I do in fact end up willing myself to make it lol.

I think tomorrow or Wednesday I'll go to the Community Thrift Store, my favorite place in the whole world. I'm not looking for anything in particular, but that's usually when I find the best things. My mama is in search of any kind of sturdy and aesthetically pleasing frames I can find to hold her beautiful watercolors, so I'll be on the lookout for some good ones. I'm also going to take my car in to get serviced at the Kia Dealership at some point this week because it's still under warranty and I'm going out of town next week for a show in Durham, NC. Looking forward to it more than I can really express, need a good time and a good laugh and some good energy. Been working so hard, with so many irons in the fire, at times it seems like I'm all alone in a world of my own.. which I don't typically mind, but a girl needs to unwind from time to time.

This is technically the first entry in this new section of the site that I'm probably most excited about. Not sure who, if anyone, will really be into reading my ramblings but I'm thoroughly enjoying doing it so I suppose that's all that really matters anyhow. I hope to add to the blog as often as I can, and we'll see if it catches on. If you're reading this, thank you and hi! I appreciate your eyes.

I was talking to mama on the phone today about the changes I've been observing in the backyard over these past two months. The growth, the green, the gradual but inevitable way that nature transitions from one season into another, and how it happens simultaneously 1) seemingly under all of our noses and 2) right in front of our eyes. On my birthday, the first of February, there was snow on the ground and not a leaf to be found on any of the branches of the big backyard tree.

Backyard tree in February.

Backyard tree earlier today (my foot for size reference).

Every day since then (my bday) I've sat outside under the sun. I take my coffee in the morning and I walk out to the wooden bench that sits under this HUGE tree (oak?) and I just sit there for hours- I meditate, I listen to music & podcasts, I read a little, I write a little, I paint a little, but mostly I just sit. I get to really think. I get to really feel into my own body and just be and- God, it's such an incredible privilege and blessing to be able to do that at this point right now in my life. I don't know how long it will be like this, but for now it's working out to truly be a period of growth for me both spiritually and emotionally and physically and in all the ways.

I've been thinking back on the amount of shit that has changed since this time last year, and it seems like I was living an ENTIRELY different life. I was a different person, in another time and place, with other people and other days filled with totally different things and sights and sounds and creature comforts and foods and everything and just WOW. It's insane sometimes how life throws you curve balls and you have to pivot without knowing what the fuck you're gonna do. My heart felt broken, my mind felt broken, my world felt like it was completely pulled out from under me- kinda like that trick people do with the tablecloth where you pull it out and everything stays standing and people clap in amazement- except this time all the glasses shattered and all the food fell to the floor haha.

No, I shouldn't say that, I've had ample support and love and I've been blessed beyond measure throughout this whole transition but nonetheless, it's not easy changing, it's not easy being a part of an ending to a relationship with someone you expected to spend the rest of your life with, it's not easy moving, it's not easy going from being a part of a family unit to being totally isolated, it's not easy going back to school or starting a business or pursuing a music career, it's NOT FUCKING EASY BEING ALIVE! We all know this. We all do. I have it better than most, even when I was at my lowest and I never lost sight of that. Still don't. I'm amazed sometimes at how resilient we all can be when we trust ourselves and we keep going despite whatever bullshit or tribulations we're presented with. When the will is strong, the way is clear. And it's possible, and quite likely, that the pain and the struggle are turning out to be what's shaping me into the best version of myself I've been yet. I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of Lucille for sticking with me and going through all the adjustments with a spirit that is just so infectious and beautiful. She plays with her ball while I sit under the trees, and we both smile all day and listen out for birds. I can honestly say that at this very moment I'm truly happy. Just with myself and sweet Lucille and this little moment in time we've built after enduring one hell of a storm.

Just like I was talking about with my mama, at some point nature takes over, and change happens almost as if by magic. Things turn around. New life springs from dead wood, and all the world is green again.

I love you.

Jenna Faline